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Our super accurate insider source claims that the Next Generation Apple iPods will run Windows Mobile 6.  The iPods will feature a full QWERTY keyboard, and a huge touch screen which will allow the users to browse the web via Internet Explorer 7, and listen to their tunes through Windows Media Player. Our source also claims that the current software doesn’t work with Mac OSX, but Apple is working on a fix. The source also says that the memory will be upgradeable with either 2 GB or 1 GB Micro SD Cards, so be prepared to be carrying around a lot of little memory cards. Apple will also sell an iHold, which will hold 15 Micro SD Cards. If you want to upgrade to iHold Pro it will hold 30 Micro SD Cards, pricing is not yet set, but is estimated around $50 for iHold, and $75 for iHold Pro. Our source tells us that he thinks the fans of Apple will really like this product, he even gave us a pixelated picture of the new iPod. <

Microsoft has released a statement that Windows Vista’s Wow Factor has been delayed, but is likely to ship with Service Pack 1, arriving early 2008.

Current users of Windows Vista have spoken out about the news. We could only get a statement from two people, because the rest are trying to figure out why their internet is not working. “I bought Vista, and I loved it right away. I would spend days staring at the installing screen, then one day it started up, and kept asking me for information, such as my login name, and password. Am I really that dumb? Giving my login and my password away, who knows where the information would go? Thank god my Dell came with Norton Anti-Virus”, shares Tom Jackson, a 34 IT Professional at the RIAA.

When asked about the calamity, Bill Gates stated, “Microsoft tried to innovate for once, and see what we got? You keep asking us to stop borrowing ideas, and see what happens? Do you really want another Zune? I think I made my point.” Steve Jobs told us later that Mac OS X had the iWow factor since 2005.

You can expect Microsoft to unleash Service Pack 1 in early 2008, Steve Ballmer put it, “It’s great, once we release SP1, we’ll get calls about what broke this time. It reassures us that no matter what crap we put on the market, people are still buying our products. I bet the Apple Customer Support line never gets so many calls as we do.” Steve Jobs responded, by pulling out an iPhone, resulting in Apple Stock to reach an all time out high. <

Jesus Christ has graced us with his presence in a LOST Yahoo! chatroom. At first chatroom members were unsure whether JesusC was actually really Jesus, quickly members checked out JesusC’s profile. What they found was truly surprising, and proved it was actually Jesus Christ.

The profile listed his birthday at 12/24/0000 which truly meant that it was him. While the Republican candidates quickly tried to schedule a photo-op, the ABC hit show LOST received usually high ratings. A spokesman for the show held a brief press conference. “Everyone kept saying to us, ‘You make this show up as you go along, you don’t even know what is happening anymore.’ While there is some truth to that statement, I can assure you that someone knows where this show is heading, Jesus Christ. He started to give away the secrets of the show, and unfortunately we had to send Jesus a cease and desist letter.” When asked if he is worried about the backlash from Jesus Christ, he stated that he was sure that his legal team was going to hell anyway.

On June 29th Bill Haming pulled together his life savings in order to get the new sleek gadget from Apple, the iPhone. He calculated in Quicken that he would be afford the 600 dollars, however there was a mistake which eventually caused him to become homeless.

We got a chance to talk to him next to the dumpster, on corner of 5th and Mission ST. “I downloaded a pirated copy of Quicken, a finical aid program, off PirateBay, and when I installed it, I realized that the software was in Hungarian. I figured it would be no problem considering I’m dealing with numbers, however I’m now somehow homeless.” shares Bill. When asked about what he thinks he did wrong, he said he probably should have downloaded an Hungarian to English translator. The RIAA commented that piracy can have many horrible effects such as becoming a hobo, the RIAA was then informed that no music piracy had taken place. We asked Bill whether or not he regrets buying the phone. “Best purchase I ever made, I can check the weather on the phone. If my phone tells me its going rain, I’m going run into the closest Wal-Mart, and If I know it’s to be warm outside, I’ll sell overpriced water-bottles, which people will buy from me because I’m a homeless man and they’ll feel sorry for me. To farther convince them to give me there spare change, I’ll sing Jesus Loves You All, even though I’m really agnostic. I’m willing to go that far for some cash.”

When asked about if he is worried about his public image he simply stated, “No, I mean it can’t be any worse than Linsey Lohan.” We wanted Lohan to make a comment but she was too drunk to make complete sentences. Apple made a statement earlier today, “Our user base is so loyal that they’ll give up anything to have our products, their kids, homes, college funds; only World of Warcraft is ahead of us now. When users die of lack of sleeping or food because our products are that darn good, we know we reached our goal.” Apple stock soared after the announcement. <

We have just received word that workers from a Hot Topic store have indeed tried to invade an Abercrombie store. After hearing about the calamity, Hollister workers went to aid the Abercombie workers. As the fight went on, Hot Topic was outnumbered, and just as all hope was lost, American Eagle showed up and gave much needed aid to Hot Topic. Some unidentified workers from the cell phone cases booth were caught in the crossfire.

Some witnesses of the event have shared their story with us. “I was like just checking out the new jeans at abercombie listening to my cute iPod Nano, then like I hear a huge noise, I almost dropped my T Mobile Sidekick!” shares a 16 year old. We have now confirmed that her sidekick is alright, and her friend has received the text message.

Just in: Pac-Sun has remained neutral, meanwhile McDonalds has told Abercrombie that they are willing to help. As expected Abercrombie turned down the aid, and called McDonalds, “fat bastards.” Abercrombie has declined to comment but told us to state they have new summer jeans, and they’re totally hot. <

We have now confirmed that something has indeed happened. It happened at a place somewhere on the planet, which can only mean, it is close and we should be careful. Our reporters are there, and are covering what has happened.

“We always hear of stories of something like that happening, but we never thought that would happen somewhere on our own planet”, worries mother of two. The President held a press conference today where he told the American people, “I do not remember.” After being reminded this was not a court hearing, President Bush stated that they have the situation under control, or they are investigating the event.

Meanwhile, local stores are selling water, and life supplies as a response to what is happening. The Catholic Chruch has released it’s official statement, that Jesus is finally returning after 2007 years of praying and building churches. iPhone users, impressed that an iPod has been never able to that, are using not a water-downed version of the Internet, but the real Internet to Google for a solution to whatever is happening. So far no iPhone user has found “somewhere” on Google Maps, mistake, or a cover up?

 Meanwhile Al Gore issued a statement, “Maybe something like this would never happen on Earth if we all used hybrid cars.” He later commented that we will not be running for President, even though he was later spotted driving his H2 Hummer sporting a “Gore ‘08″ bumper sticker. <

Images found on Google, and freakingnews.com